I am really bad at this blogging thing. I want to be “good” but I’m not one to (find the time to) write consistently. Nor am I one to follow all the social networking sites to stay connected. I do what I can, when I can.
We all wish for more time in a day, but the secret is making time for that which we want/need more of.
It’s been 1 month since my last post. One month! Gosh, it seems sooo much longer than that. I’ve had so much on my mind lately. Who hasn’t?! And I’ve thought of several topics to write about, have even started several and saved them to “my drafts” to return to another day. But for some reason, I always come back to this one.
I originally started this blog post in June of this year. Writing, editing, re-writing, and more editing. It didn’t feel complete. It didn’t seem to be the right time to publish and share with others.
In the meantime, I noticed myself censoring my words, editing out what could be too personal or potentially offend someone reading it. But then I thought, “It’s my blog. You made the choice to read it.” And again it’s your choice to stop or continue. Yes, people could use these words however they want to. That’s not in my realm of control. But what pushes me to type on is my desire for expression and the inspiration from the connections I’ve made through my words. Life has been shared. I look back and realize I touched someone. And I am touched.
We all have the same wish: to love and be loved, whether through family, friendship, or romance. We all wish to feel a part of something greater than ourselves.
So, tonight, I sit at my computer and type, as the words come one by one, taking my own advice… Swaha. Let go.
For the past 4 years, I have been in a legal tug-of-war with my ex. It has been exhausting, to say the least. A 2nd post-marriage legal chapter recently came to an end, and I would love to say that this is the last. But when you have kids and divorce, you are tied to that ex-person for the rest of your life. No matter your wishes, no matter your thoughts, you will always require communication and issues will most likely arise again.
But for now, I’m done. I’m tired. I’m tired of the he said, she said… he did, she did… he has, she has. It doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done, and it’s time to move on.
Yet in all this mess of word-slinging, I still miss that one thing… unity.
In no way, do I miss my ex. I don’t mean to sound harsh; I just don’t. I am ever so grateful to have my 3 daughters, happy and healthy, enriching (and frustrating) every day of my life. But our relationship was never strong enough to last a lifetime. I could go through the reasons why, but again, it doesn’t matter now.
It’s that something you have in a committed relationship that’s difficult to live without… that someone right there at the end of the day to fall into when you’re exhausted from a crazy and hectic time – when the world seems to be resting on your shoulders and you don’t feel like you’re going anywhere but backward. I miss it. I do. I admit it. And for those of you who got it right the first time, I’m jealous. Yes, I admit that too. But I strongly believe you are where you are for a reason, and that life events have lessons to be learned, if you’re willing to look beyond the hurt.
A huge lesson I’ve learned is that sometimes the biggest mistakes evolve into the greatest gifts.
So why did it take this long to realize?
Perhaps it’s my practice of yoga deepening my thoughts and emotions. Perhaps it’s the generous and kindred spirits I’ve met along the way who continue to support and love me, despite my mistakes. Perhaps it’s the daily reminder at work of the frailty of life and how easily things can change. Or perhaps it’s simply age and maturity.
Whatever it is, I can see and taste the sweetness of life again.
I am falling in love with my children all over again. Not that I ever fell out of love with them, but there was a time I was so stressed that I don’t think I was fully present with them around. I cherish their hugs when I walk through the door. I try to help them through tough times and tears of hurt. I patiently listen and answer concerns, from the smallest to those I never thought I’d have to answer. I am overjoyed when they smile and care for others, taking chances and trusting their instincts. I am amazed at the abundance of life they bring to mine.
One who face-timed her best friend almost the entire evening.
One who danced to One Direction and told me I was “Epic!” for having a blog.
And one who sweetly read me a bedtime story, “The Velveteen Rabbit” – one of my favorites.
You were born to love and meant to fly.
Dance with your heart.
Dance with life.